Being in a casual relationship with someone comes with feeling a range of emotions at different times. These emotions can be tricky to handle especially when it comes to intimacy, even moreso sex.
Intimacy occurs when two or more people become physically, sexually and/or emotionally close. Knowing if the person you’re with wants to get intimate with you or not can be quite the hassle but you can’t skip this step, you need to them to give you their consent to the level of intimacy you’re about to engage in.
Consent in intimate relationships
Consent is an agreement to engage in an activity usually before the activity commences. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines consent as ‘an ongoing mutual agreement between partners about what they do or don’t want to experience’.
Many people get the concept of consent wrong, believing that consent is simply getting a yes or no from their partner(s) but it’s really not that simple.
Your partner’s consent to engage in a particular sexual act doesn’t automatically mean they are interested in all other activities. They need to be aware of what every activity involves and its possible outcomes. You both need to shoulder the responsibility of making sure that you’re both safe and comfortable during the act.
The importance of consent
Obtaining consent isn’t only going to do you good and keep you safe from allegations that can damage your personal image, it also subtly reassures your partner that you care about their feelings and safety.
It’s important that the person you’re with is happy and feels at ease about whatever activity you’re about to engage in. Engaging in non-consensual sexual activity is against the law and will have you facing legal consequences. Get familiar with the laws regarding consent in your state/country and abide by them.
Negotiating consent
How do you get consent?
How do you know your partner is happy with what you’re doing?
The only way to know if someone has given consent is if they tell you. ‘Maybe’ isn’t an answer, a nod isn’t an answer. It would be best if you didn’t have to coerce them to get consent. Sexual coercion refers to the act of being pressured or tricked to engage in a sexual activity. Any consent gotten after begging for sex is in fact no consent at all.
You get consent by simply asking to know what your partner thinks or feels before any attempt. Understandably, you might be confused about what questions to ask and they might seem a bit strange at first, here are a few questions to help you ask clearer answers:
Questions to ask to seek consent:
- ‘What would you like us to do?’
- ‘Are you happy with this?’
- ‘Does this feel comfortable?’
- ‘Do you wish to stop?’
- ‘Is it okay if we go further?’
Conclusion
People communicate in many different ways that could be verbal or non-verbal.
A push from your partner or visible signs of discomfort could also be interpreted as a sign that they do not wish to engage in any intimate/sexual activity anymore. It’s important to learn to take cues and interpret forms of granting consent appropriately.
